The musicians who are paid to write music for when you're on hold, I hope they feel dirty.

Here's my Christmas. I knew I had to work and I had to close. But I thought, "hey, it's Christmas, no one will come." I got here and found out one kid didn't show up, so I had to take his spot. We were crazy busy and largely understaffed. Then I found out that the last movie didn't get out till one. Which means I'm here till one thirty. The good news is that kid got fired. I mean that's good right? Not really, cause guess who now has a double shift tomorrow?

The whole truth is better than the convenient truth.

Having a smart phone really helps you pretend to be occupied when you need to look busy or just have no idea what you're suppo

sed to do.

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So I need eylets for this thing I'm making, and so I headed over to Joann. When I pulled in I only two other cars. At first I felt bad that business was like this for them, but when I parked I realized that I had gotten here early and the other two cars were old ladies waiting to go in. I got to craft store early so I could wait to go in. This is the lamest I've ever been.

On the topic of craft supplies, I've noticed most do-it-yourself project but whenever I go into craft stores, I spend a ton of money... I feel so gay for saying that.

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Women and men's reaction to heartbreak is actually the exact opposite. Women assume there's something wrong with the entire gender and "swear off men" whereas men assume that one was just a [whatever] and goes out looking for more women.

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My fondness for a person is a negative logarithim of their fondness of Bruno Mars

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After much study, I have found that "reverse racism" is actually just racism.

I wonder if people know that adding the copyright symbol to their facebook photography isn't the same as copyrighting it.

I wish there was a word I could use to let people know I'm not exaggerating, now that "literally" does not mean "literally" any more.

The phrase "over exaggerated" means the same thing as "exaggerated".

"Good luck!" can just as easily be used for encouragement as discouragement.

Can you get home owners insurance that specifically protects against elephant-related damage? Is this country-specific?

I had a dream with a terrorist in it last night. Should I feel bad because he was Muslim?

Instead of turning my clock back an hour, I just shifted my alarm forward.

Re-invented

The word reinvented doesn't mean anything

anyone who has an explanation for everything they do is a liar

I find it strange that we have found a way to get to the moon, but have yet to invent a scantron that can read ink.

Last night after I was leaving the library, I heard some nearby sirens. I was very tempted to follow them, but I went home instead. Next time, I will do it. I'll keep you updated.

Reasons I shouldn't be a parent:
If my child ever gives me the "Why do I have to make my bed? It's just going to get messed up later" excuse, I'm going to respond with "Why should I feed you? You're going to die anyways."

Last night, my dream took place next to a brothel

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